Tuesday, March 24, 2015

What if Ted Cruz was a Liberal...

It's just the way my humor works. Sadly...it's not that far off from the truth.

                                                        If Ted Cruz was a Liberal
24 hours after hearing Senator Ted Cruz and his amazingly inspirational speech at Liberty University, I wondered to myself how his entire life story would have looked had his dad been a raving liberal instead of a hard working conservative. Since humor is my strong suit…this will be fun.

***This is in no way endorsed by Ted Cruz and none of what is stated here came from the Senator.
“Thank you so much President Falwell…although I disagreed with your father on every single point he ever stood for. God / Allah / Buddha / Vishnu / Great Spirit / or none of the above, bless Liberty University! (wait for applause)
I am thrilled to join you today…at the largest Christian University in the world. But let me be clear that I am not endorsing Christianity over any other religion or atheism for that matter. There are many paths, brah. (laugh a little here)
Today I want to talk with you about the promise of America…
Imagine your parents when they were children. Your moms, your dads, your mom and dad, your single mom, your single dad…
Imagine a little girl, growing up in Wilmington, Delaware. During WWII. The daughter of an Irish / Italian Catholic family. Working class…her uncle ran numbers in Wilmington. But we can’t judge him…he simply had no opportunities, no free education, no government jobs. Of course he chose crime!
She grew up with dozens of cousins, because her mom was the second youngest of 17 kids. Now, if they hadn't been adherents to the fascist, dictatorial Catholic Church and all their impersonal rules, and if there had been decent women’s reproductive opportunities back then, maybe there would have only been two or three. But no! She was lost in the crowd because her parents were draconian and believed in that stupid “sanctity of life” thing.
She had a difficult father…a man that drank far too much and didn’t think women should be educated. If there had only been a decent DCS back then…or a divorce advocacy group, her mother could have left that tyrant and raised those babies in proper government housing! (wait for applause)
And yet this bright, pretty –not that that matters to her personal value as a human being- young lady…my mom Eleanor, graduated from Rice University with a degree in math. MATH! Stereotypes abounded already and she was forced into the teaching world! The evil conservatives wouldn’t abide her becoming a broadcaster or a welder. They tried to convince her that she didn't really want a math degree…but she was too brainwashed. 
Today, my mom would have spent seven of the best years of her life pursuing her female philosophy bachelor’s degree…but not back then.
She became a pioneering computer programmer in the 50’s and 60’s…but who knows what kind of wonderful beat poetry she might have written, had she not taken the “safe” route and gotten a math degree.
Imagine…a teenaged boy. Not much younger than many of you. He grew up in Cuba, at a time when the government –led by Bautista- was corrupt. He joined a revolution, as every teenager should at some point. He fought to overturn the evil dictator and bring about a glorious communist revolutionary utopia. He winds up in prison, beaten, abused. Eventually –much to my eternal shame- he grew disillusioned with communism, probably because of his lack of quality education and understanding. He flees to America.
Imagine the hope in his heart, because he had no idea what an evil system capitalism really is, as he rode that ferry across the Atlantic and arrived at Key West. From there he hopped a Greyhound bus to Austin, TX, where he hoped to align himself with other Hispanics who had ruthlessly been stripped of their native land by the evil Imperialistic USA.
He finds a job washing dishes for $.50 an hour…because they refused to allow the dishwashers to unionize...those horrible rats!
Imagine a young married couple. Living together in the 1970’s. They have no personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Not that it matters. They could have a relationship with Jesus or not…that’s their decision…their path. They have a little boy, and they’re both drinking far too much. Probably because they had no real job opportunities and not enough time for personal recreation and mental welfare. They didn’t really need Jesus…they needed affordable healthcare, shorter work days and longer weekends. But since they lived in the social restrictions of the day, they turned to “religion.” They “clung to their Bibles” as our beloved Leader says. But hey…they’re my mom and dad and I love ‘em...ya know?
When I was three…my father decided he need to self-explore and find himself. He grew restless with the family norms foisted upon him by the fascist religious right. Unhappy, he left us to experiment with single parenting, while he traveled to Houston and lived in a commune, and pioneered alternative energy. But then one of his coworkers – a Christian who could not stop proselytizing in the workplace and made my dad so uncomfortable with his relentless invitations- prevailed on my dad and he went to a Bible study. Because of his lack of education, and the pull of his old-fashioned upbringing, he embraced this “religion” and chose the path that was best for him. He became a “Christian.” (Although I believe we are all “Christians” if we simply do our best) My dad came back because of the emotional effect of his spiritual path. So I was raised in a two parent home. But I would have been JUST FINE in a single parent home, or a non-traditional home…let me be clear. (wait for applause)
Imagine a brainwashed little girl whose parents were missionaries, forcing their spiritual will on helpless, uneducated Africans. But I love her anyway and we got married. She’s a great mom to our two little daughters whom we co-parent in a home with no traditionally defined parenting roles.
Imagine a teenaged boy. The year he was to go off to college, his parents had to declare bankruptcy because the oil industry collapsed and his father’s business went under. That was me. It took years of psychological counseling, a lawsuit against my parents forcing them to help me pay for my college degree even though they had lost everything, (that was THEIR problem) and thankfully the availability of quota driven affirmative action grants. For 7 years…from my undergrad through law school…I was known as Chico Hernandez Esquella Rafael Jose Cruz. Junior.
I switched back to Ted after winning the senate seat.
I understand the hardship of completing your bachelor's degree in less than 6 years! I understand the disappointment of having to work a part time job writing “Impeach Reagan” on coffee cups at Starbucks and trying to engage customers in political diatribe!
Now imagine a new America! An America where the rich –as I determine what “rich” means- pay for everything! Where you ride to your government job on your government bicycle while your children attend government daycare as early as one month old! All for FREE! Imagine being a guest in the White House and enjoying Queso made with government cheese. The same government cheese enjoyed by every citizen of this great land. (wait for applause)
Now imagine an America where no longer does anyone have to go through a background check to become a citizen here. Imagine hundreds of thousands of, not “illegal aliens” but what they REALLY are… “Displaced future citizens” arriving on our shores in government cruise ships…or should we call them… “Cruz Ships?!” (wait for applause)
Imagine abortion so convenient, so private that a woman simply walks into a spa, and walks out, not only devoid of that pesky “blob of indeterminate matter”…but exfoliated, deep tissue massaged, and with hair and nails befitting someone who just made the toughest private decision she’ll ever make…often for the third or fourth time. (wait for applause)
Imagine healthcare expanded to include your groceries…because if you aren’t eating right you aren’t feeling right! (wait for applause)
Imagine free AUTO insurance for your solar powered smart car! (Wait for applause)
Imagine an America where in order to vote all you have to do is pass parts of a basic field sobriety test!
Imagine an America where only the police, the army, and the government have guns! (wait for applause)
Imagine an America where all religion is banned…because we can’t just go after the “bad ones!”
Imagine an America where the free TV, free internet, and free cell phones you get each month are chock full of helpful information from your beloved, benevolent government!
Imagine taxing those evil one percenters right into hell from whence they came! (wait for applause…this might take a while)
My friends…Imagine this with me. Stand with me…because I stand for nothing. And someone who stands for nothing, doesn’t stand against YOU! (wait for enormous applause!)

Thank you and may the deity of your personal choice...or nobody…bless America. 

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